Petrified

Shadows in the dark
Keep me up awake
So I sleep with the light on
Lock the door behind you
Bolt the windows tight
Silence can be deadly
Especially at night
You scare me half to death
Bolting down the stairs
I'm so scared
But no one even cares
Noises stir at night
I jump right out of bed
Running down the stairs
Everyone is dead
I wake up from this nightmare
Drenched in cold sweat
Fearing you and everything
Is my one and only regret

What does a person have to do around here to trust people. Its like your whole life and secrets are put in a book that everyone can read. You think you know people but you don't, they'll end up spilling things to people that you don't want. Next thing you know every one knows. So why can't people just be trustworthy? Well enough to understand to keep those secrets locked up. To tie the box shut. To take it to the grave. Why?

Sooooo.... You Wanna Know Me?

For me, fear is walking in front of a group of people, just to be worried about how they think you look.

For me, acting rude and obnoxious in class is normal, no matter how weird you think I am.

For me, having bizarre dreams is my escape from the real world.

For me, breaking an awkward silence by yelling “FRENCH FRIES!” is the best.

For me, hiding my true feelings with a stupid or sarcastic remark, and a good laugh, is natural.

For me, making people laugh makes me feel that speck of hope that I am good for something.

For me, hilarity is me doing a rain dance in PE in hope of canceling the mile, and it raining two minutes later.

For me, loyalty is my best friend in jail, and me right next to them sayin “DAMN!”

For me, bonding time is my best friend in jail, and me in the cell next to them saying “THAT WAS AWESOME LET’S DO IT AGAIN!”

For me, friendship is me beating up a random girl...because she told my friend her shoes were ugly.

For me, being myself is my friend getting rejected, and me calling up the guy and whispering “7 days...”

For me, fun is sending random people in class visual death threats during a lecture, just for the laugh.

And at the end of the day, it will all be okay Because I’ll still smile for someone, and I’ll still laugh for something, and I’ll still live on.

Life and Lies

I numbly put on the black dress. Next comes the heels. I don't feel anything. I can't. My mother is dead. My beloved Mama. Dad is currently on his third bottle of Jack Daniels. The man is lost. Through all of these years him and Mama have stayed deeply in love. And her death has destroyed him. He doesn't even have the strength to attend the funeral. Good Lord. How the heck am I going to do this. Going to the funeral all by myself. But then again, Drake might go. But you can never know with my brother. He's not exactly the image of responsible. More like a wild mustang. Doing anything he wants. Never stopping to settle down anywhere. I think he believes he was born to piss off the world. And that in itself could be a fact. Who knows. He already has a juvenile record that is like 6 pages long and is headed for just a regular criminal record.He is 19 years old. Jeez. The years have currently flew by. I can remember it like yesterday. It was a week before Christmas. Mama and I were making cookies for the annual Christmas Dinner with the family. I was 6 and Drake was 9 He was standing next to me trying with all his might to convince me that Santa Clause was fake and that he had been dead for quite some time. (his words not mine) All I could think was " Mama would never lie to me. She loves me too much." But in the end, I found out that Mama did lie to me. And a about a hell of a lot more than Santa clause. But basically my whole life. 

Journal...

Soooo yeah a 'person' ( not telling u who) suggested i should make a journal to 'express myself'. Yeah whatever, so that's what i'm doing right now. Um i really don't know how to do this but whatever.

Okay well right now my dad came to visit from Southwest Asia. He's getting me A new electric guitar. I always wanted one, it's not like i don't have one it's just i have an acoustic.


Jan/7/11

Its another day..... and yesterday was kinda weird and funny. what happen was the freshmen orientation or wutever its called, my dad called out to some random guy. Now i knew it must have been an old friend from when he went to skool here. Turns out the guy my dad was or is friends with was Maija's dad! Maija and I were saying it was kinda creepy. It was funny too. Such a small world........

Also in my weird life, i am quite hyper (wait im always hyper anyways) and excited for the ski trip on Monday. SO yea im going to be snowboarding...

umm yea, well Bye, no, peace, no, i kno

Without me it's just aweso...
c u....

Poem, based of of the infinity chamber

The universal spectacle throughout
Grand in itself alone
Through which the homeless voice of waters rose

Though the dark deep unknown grows
The soul of the imagination will still run
Brightness and beauty shines and is infinite

Vast knowledge of this place is scarce
Yet the magnificence of it is not sparse
When dawn comes, I shall wait to see it again

In the dark

In the dark you can think about things. You can think about life in particular, or you can think about how to get out of the dark. The darkness tracks you down, covers you, and you have to fight to stay calm. You can feel the walls much up around you; you can taste the blood in your throat from screaming. You can also feel the blood ooze its way out of the cut he gave you. You feel scared; you're not supposed to handle this. You are only four years old. You weren't supposed to see your mom leave you, or your father beat you endlessly. But you did anyways. You can pretend there is a whole other world, where everything is perfect. But it will come crashing down in the dark. Because there's no one to pretend for. When someone is watching you like he had, you know you can fight your way out of it. But when no one's watching, you fail. In the dark, it makes you accept many things. Being unloved, unwanted and you have no reason to live. And it's just those things that make you fight for it.
Just to see the light.

?????

There's no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard. No song I could sing, but I can try for your heart. Our dreams, and they are made out of real things like a shoebox of photographs With sepia tone loving love is the answer. At least for most of the questions in my heart like why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it's so hard? It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving. I'll tell you one thing it's always better when we're together.